By SYLVIA WEINSTEIN
Sir, are you an imperialist in need of help? Is there a country which is closing its borders to private investment opportunities, to private ownership of its nationalized banks, to nationalized capital-flow, indulging in “financial repression”?
Just call 1-800-NATO, and we can solve your problems. We have the bombs, planes, and capital back-up to insure that any Third World country can be yours for the asking.
And don’t think this will be expensive to you as an imperialist. There is money just waiting for this undertaking: social security, health care funds, food stamp money, and any other funds that are being promised to the needy, but are really being used to fund the rich, who act like the most needy of all.
After all, this is the Free West, and who but the “free world” imperialist should benefit from our experience in the game of war.
Most important, don’t be afraid of being charged with being a “war criminal.” We can bomb a country back to the Stone Age and then charge that same country with being a “war criminal.” As an imperialist, you can see the humor of this.
Look at what we have been able to do in Yugoslavia. We, NATO, have been carrying out brutal air strikes, sowing desolation, death, and terror in a country of millions. We, NATO, have cut electricity and heat to a million people overnight, cut communication, all sources of energy and transport, destroyed civilian centers that provide vital services to entire populations, and are bringing ruin to all the means of life built up by a nation-including their water supply.
And we, NATO, have killed or injured thousands, and all in the name of stopping ethnic cleansing.
It’s true that liberal smart mouths would point to our treatment of African Americans or Native Americans as an example of U.S. ethnic cleansing, but since we imperialists have control of the media those stories won’t go far.
What can we, NATO, promise you, our valued imperialist?
We can promise to abolish credit controls, deregulate interest rates, allow free entry into the banking industry or, more generally, into the financial-services industry.
Making banks autonomous (that is, freeing them from ad hoc interference in day-to-day management)! Putting banks into private ownership! Freeing international capital flows!
And just think of your control over raw materials, mines, rivers, forests, and oppressed people. You, valued imperialist, can’t ask for more than that. And it’s all free, thanks to the American taxpayer!
What about the ethnic Albanians and Kosovo people who have been repressed by Milosevic and who have become refugees in other countries?
Not to worry, my good imperialist, just think how we in the “Free West” have used the Puerto Ricans, and Latino refugees-exploiting them in our fields and factories for the enrichment of you, our valued imperialist.
We in the “Free West” are absolutely opposed to ethnic cleansing; what we support is ethnic exploitation.
Of course there are radical anti-war activists who will be demonstrating against our “just” intervention in other countries.
And it is true we are very busy intervening in Iraq, Latin America, and Africa.
But believe me, Mr. Imperialist, when we of NATO take on an assignment of cleaning out a country for imperialist investment, we do a great job.
Yugoslavia is just the start. You will be hearing our report back on our assessment of China, Cuba, and Russia-and we feel that we can be of even greater use to you in the very near future.
Please feel free to call us at 1-800 -NATO, or you can e-mail us at email@example.com.